Tuesday, September 28, 2004

May the great bird of the universe shit on your head.

The cosmic wheel – what goes around comes around.

Every action has an equal but opposite reaction.

Truer words were never spoken.

So I finally get it all together, find a sublet, engineer the move out, start getting settled in. Do it without alarming Child who thinks I am on extended business trips. Spend four, yes four, nights living in the interstitial world of small but nicely appointed one bedroom carriage house, basically an apartment over a garage behind a house comprised of rental units, missing my beautiful old colonial with the 125 year old tree in the front lawn and original moldings and the beautiful suburban neighborhood with lots of diverse and interesting neighbors I live(d) in. Kind of a bummer but kind of liberating too. Lots of mixed emotions floating all over the place, generally not a happy time but it feels good to be out of the house. Then I get the call.

Four frigging days to take the first baby steps to getting my head together, to start getting a touch of clarity on a muddled and confused situation. Progress is being made, not much, but it is a start. This is a trial separation, negotiated for two months apart with me sleeping at “home” in the guest bedroom one or two nights a week to keep the fiction alive for Child. I started seeing a shrink after the decision was taken, now a month past, to separate. Saw the shrink the day I moved out, a couple of times before that, seems to have potential to help. A couple of interesting insights been provided so far which have been helpful but the heavy lifting is yet to come.

Four days. What a tease. Went to a party Friday night where there were lots of interesting and attractive single mid-30’s women (I am 41). Had a nice time, may go out with the host in the near future. Met another lady two weeks back. She will be the first exercise of the atrophied dating muscle this Saturday night. Something to look forward to. Nice break and looking forward to go back to a more innocent place.

Four days. Sucker. Wife called this morning. She found a lump under her armpit. Tells me she found it two days ago, has a doctors appointment today. After the appointment she calls and says there is an enlarged lymph node and the doctor wants to monitor for a week and then have her get chest x-rays if it is still there. Clearly not an acceptable answer so she is looking for other doctors to see ASAP. Clearly she will end up getting a biopsy in the near future.

I offer to “be there” for her but she rips me up and down on the phone, more out of fear and anger than anything else but if I can help her vent a bit then at least I am being useful.

I now find myself on the scale of sleaze, anchored at the low end by the three time divorced Newt Gingrich who infamously handed wife number 3 her divorce papers while she was in the hospital recovering from cancer surgery. While he was Speaker of the House. And having an affair with a staffer. I now inhabit the same continuum. “He leaves his Wife just when she finds ‘a Lump’, what a shit he is. Can you believe that guy?” If I stay away I am a scumbag on the same continuum with Newt. Go back and my motives are wide open for questioning and the progress made to date is flushed down the toilet.

Emotions swirl. Fear, worry, sorrow, resentfullness (a lot of resentfulness), pissed off, anxiety.

As I draft this post, I am sitting at an airport, waiting on a two hour delayed flight for a two night business trip to attend a very interesting conference I have been looking forward to for six months. But the act of drafting the post has helped me make a decision. I will go home and sit with Wife. Maybe things go around and come around for a reason. Point made, point taken, but it doesn’t have to be so nasty and subtle.

Maybe this turns out to be nothing, just a scare.

It’s always something.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

I am back. And what a summer it has been. Cutting to the chase, Wife and I are starting a trial separation next week. I have signed a two month lease for a furnished sublet about twenty minutes away from our home which starts on the 20th. I am moving out next week.

We have agreed to not tell our 5 year old Child, using the explanation of ‘business trips’ that are longer than the norm. I will come home many evenings for time with Child, spend time on weekends, and occassionally sleep over to keep the fiction of a working marriage alive for Child so as to defer the emotional devastation that will occur when we announce the split. After all, there is a chance that we will reconcile (yeah right).

The decision was made about three weeks ago while the family was on a late summer vacation. I would have expected to be sadder than I am, but my predominant emotion is excitement about getting out of the house and anticipation for peace, solitude, and possibly some time with a woman or two who could be willing to lend a sympathetic shoulder. More on the details of the break in another post.

Given that I have moved onto the next phase of the end of the relationship, I have decided to start blogging again. The chronicle of the separation begins today.

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