Friday, April 30, 2004

I have decided to stop posting for a while. My blog is by design and intent a single issue forum, a one sided particular perspective on an issue near and dear to my heart. As I think about future topics for posts, I can’t help but feel that the whole blog is become a bit ‘whiney’, and there is nothing more annoying than a whiner. I have to consider whether to stop blogging on this topic all together, start blogging on a wider range of topics, or continue exploring my failing marriage after a hiatus to gather my breath.

Many thanks to those of you who have taken the time to read, to send me supportive email, to challenge my assumptions, to call my BS just that, to talk with me, and overall, for just being there. I look forward to continuing the conversation one day soon.


Friday, April 16, 2004

Wife has been making a major play lately to save the marriage. Unfortunately for both of us, she has blown through about four and a half years of good will from me and I feel dead to her efforts.

Twice in the past month we have had ‘the conversation’ where I have told her that I am totally fed up with her actions and our marriage and that I think we should separate. She used every argument and conversational style to prevent the break up from happening. The conversation ranged from mildly threatening (“we are doing this together, you have no choice”, this being living life and raising the Child) to begging (“but I love you” said through sobs) to extortion (“So, how are you going to explain to our child that you are destroying their life?”). It is the last argument, and the only argument, that stops me in my tracks.

Compounding the situation, since the last post I took a four day trip to ski at Alta, a place that is my definition of Nirvana. Of course, it was with some friends and not with her. Now, not to brag on myself, but I am an extraordinarily good skier. Not world class, but I have skied with famous and world class skiers and acquitted myself quite well in places that 99.9% of people who ski wouldn’t even consider trying. This is my passion. And for the past nine years Wife has not just shown no interest in trying to join me to do something that I love, but actively tells everybody we know how much she dislikes skiing (I know, I know, I was a fool for even dating somebody that was so fundamentally incompatible with me on such a basic issue, but I was younger and dumber). As I was getting ready to leave for the trip, I kept getting more and more pissed at Wife for denying us the joy of experience this passion together. Whenever I am on one of these trips, I think of my parents who loved skiing and passed that love on to me; I see couples with their children enjoying their time together on the mountain and the fun that their kids are having; I feel great and relaxed while doing everything involved with it, and I get really really bummed.

Before I left on the trip to Alta, I told her, not for the first time, how pissed this made me. And she is now promising to go with our child and me next winter and make an effort. But people will promise anything when their back is against the wall and her talk is just that, while for nine years her actions have been to the contrary. All meaningless.

Now she is putting on the full court press to try to woo me back. She has actually cooked a couple of decent dinners recently. Trying to make plans to do things that I like to do. Showing interest in taking a ski trip next winter (it is always easy to promise things that you don’t have to deliver on for a while). Making an effort to look good on occasion. Trying to set up weekends away. Instigated good sex just before I left. Actually cutting back, but only a little bit, on how much time her mother spends in my house. But I think too much water has flowed under this bridge.

For now, I will stay put, as much under advice of the divorce lawyer as for any other reason, and see if my attitude changes. And continue to try to work up the courage to break my child’s heart.

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