Saturday, January 31, 2004

“I'm getting married in a month, I've got to say that hope your site is
a sham. It's pathetic a (sic) dumb to stay with someone you can't stand. Get a divorce.”

This is the complete text of an email I received earlier this evening from a lady. Thanks for the thoughtful and eloquent advice.

If you read more than one or two lines of my blog, I hope that you would realize that the situation is a tad bit more complex than the 14 word summary and advice she offers. There is still some level of love in our relationship, and of course there is the child situation, and there are other factors which I have not yet explored in the context of this forum.

For the author of the email’s sake, I hope that her marriage turns out to be everything she is wishing for in her rose-tinted view of the world.

This brings up another issue. I have received several emails in the last few days asking if my blog is a sham. It is not – this is the truth, or at least the truth as I perceive it. It would be interesting to find out that Wife has a blog running on the same topic, if for no other reason than the Roshomon-like sense of dizziness that a comparison could inspire. If any of your stumble across her site, please send me the link.

I have also received three emails in the last 24 hours from women, two of whom offered support and counsel that was more useful and empathic than offered by the author of the above note. Thanks for reaching out, btw. Kind of odd, since all past email has been from guys stuck in similar situations as mine. I wonder if I am being linked to from another site???

Thanks everybody for the supportive emails, and also a hearty muchas gracias to the people who told me the comment function was not working on the site. I have fixed it so give a try and leave a note.

Friday, January 30, 2004

The third rail issue of our marriage is a second child. Simply put, she is inconsolable in her need to have one; I am adamant in my opposition to the very concept. Every time she brings up the issue, it is guaranteed to zap any equilibrium we may have attained and kill an unspoken truce that may be in effect. Neither of us can walk across this minefield without setting off an emotional bloodbath.

Her main point – it is not fair to our only child that there will not be a sibling to lean on for emotional support when we are gone – the old “how can we leave the child alone in this world” argument. Her secondary points – “I have learned from the mistakes I made the first time”, “we have so much we can share with another child”, “I am good at mothering”, “you are such a good father” are all simply eloquent ways of avoiding the real deal, which is simply that she is willing to put her own selfish need for another child ahead of the stability of the marriage, the needs of her spouse, or the long term interests of child #1 (my point being – is child #1 better off being an only child in a sort-of-functioning, upper middle class marriage or one of two siblings of divorced parents living in a situation where finances are tight? I happen to believe that the child is better off in the current situation).

My position can be simply stated as “I have no interest, whatsoever, under any circumstances, in having any more children in my life, and there are plenty of only children in this world who lead perfectly normal, contented, and happy lives. Plus, Wife is 40, which means she is ripe to have trouble conceiving, a problem pregnancy, or produce a kid with obvious or subtle birth/genetic defects. I have no interest in jerking off into a Petri dish to produce a kid or spending a couple of decades fathering a special needs child.” This may be harsh, but it is true and it is real and most guys don’t have the balls to admit it.

She is inconsolable, I am adamant. There is no possibility for compromise on this issue as we find ourselves in a binary solution set with no possibility of compromise. One of us has to fold completely and the other gets to keep the pot.

This issue is at the root of the current set of problems.

To be continued…

Saturday, January 24, 2004

What is it about a women who has been married for a few years that allows her to develop an utter and complete lack of interest in trying in basic ways to be attractive to her spouse? For every example of a married hottie in a cute or sexy outfit out with her hubby, I could point to a hundred who are in not much better than sweats or a diner suit (you know what I mean), carrying 10 or 20 extra around the hips. Of course, they will tell you that they shouldn’t have to make the effort, and in the next breath complain that their husband doesn’t pay attention to them, has a wandering eye or may be having an affair, never touch’s them, etc etc etc. And yet to look at them and listen to them, you wonder why the husband sticks around for even one more minute.

Now I happen to be lucky. Wife is an attractive lady, tall and thin, so when she puts on the typical outfit of jeans, black sweater, and sensible shoes, she still looks nice. But the last time she dressed up for when we went out, maybe put on a skirt – can’t remember. Of course, she still makes an effort to look good from time to time, like when she goes to the office of the company she consults to, or gets together with some girlfriend she hasn’t seen in a long time. But for me – yeah right.

Of course, we rarely ever have sex any more. But why have sex with somebody that clearly doesn’t make an effort to entice you in any manner? And of course, she is still all over me for another child (that is a story for another post) so when we are making love, I am always proverbially looking over my shoulder worrying whether there will be an accident this time. So I am stuck having to use a condom the rare times we have sex to make sure those kind of accidents don’t happen.

Of course the aggressive feminists will say what’s the big deal about using a condom, having the man take care of birth control, blah blah blah – well here is the answer. I am a 40 year old man married for almost a decade who can’t even enjoy sex without a nasty condom (and sex with a condom is like drinking skim milk or non-alcoholic beer or watching minor league hockey or doing any other act that is just a pale imitation of the real deal) because I am worried about being saddled with a kid that I don’t want from a women who can’t bother to try to look good for me.

What a deal.

And it all comes back to this. If she still tried to entice, maybe I would be more sexually interested, and I wouldn’t worry about taking another negative hit to my life, and she would then get what she wants, which is another kid and an occasional conjugal visit.

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